Intimacy Debunked

Posted on January 22, 2012 by Aimee

Intimacy is a relatively new concept in our society.  Historically, intimacy was not considered an important aspect of couple relationships.  Today, it is viewed as vital to sustaining a healthy relationship with a partner and most people say they want it.

So we’ve all heard of this elusive word…intimacy…but what does it REALLY mean?  Just as there are dominant ideas about what a ‘man’ and a ‘woman’ should be, there are also dominant ideas (discourses) about what intimacy is.  What a person assumes about intimacy will affect how they create it and experience it in their relationship.  How we think about intimacy is tied to how we think about gender, power, domination, and sexuality.  I think most people associate intimacy with sharing your feelings with someone, sex, or something that  can only be attained after many LONG years of marriage.  Each of these constructions of intimacy has it’s problems in terms of gendered ways of being.  If intimacy is talking about your feelings, and men don’t like talking about their feelings,  then intimacy becomes something women need and men fear.  It’s no secret that men are socialized to experience ’connection’ with their partners through sex.  So if men want to experience intimacy through sex and women through vulnerable sharing, are they ever in a position to share an experience of intimacy?  Can something be considered intimate if only one partner considers it so?

Weingarten (1991) proposes a broader way to think about intimacy and intimate interactions, where intimate interactions are any two people sharing a moment where they create meaning together in a mutual process of relating.  Interactions in which you feel understood better by someone or that you understand someone better, would be characterized as intimate.  Or situations in which two or more people create meaning together.  Thinking of it this way, intimate interactions can occur through talking about anything from sports to feelings, or even in sharing an activity such as hiking, fishing, or whatever you’re into!  Non-intimate interactions would be situations where one or both persons infringe on the mutual meaning making process by imposing, rejecting, or misunderstanding, which can feel like domination.  With this definition intimacy can be something experienced in all relationships, or even in an interaction with a total stranger.

Repeated intimate interactions, can lead to a feeling of intimacy with your partner, whereas repeated non-intimate interactions can lead to feeling disconnected and distant.  If one person is typically the one imposing, providing,  rejecting, or misunderstanding their partner they are acting from a position of power, rather than equality.  In this way, intimate interactions sound like the building blocks of mutual influence, one of the four components of the circle of care.  Have you ever tried to share an idea, a thought, or an experience with someone and their reaction totally turned you off?  I’ve witnessed this in my work with couples and it creates distance, pain, and resentment in the relationship.  Contrasting that to times when I’ve seen intimate interactions occur, where each partner is open to being influenced by eachother, there is a stark difference in the connection I can feel between partners.  I’m not sure I can even find a word to describe how I feel witnessing a moment of such deep connection.  What words come to your mind?

Please share experiences you’ve had that fit this new way of thinking about intimacy and intimate interactions.

 

Posted in Intimacy, Mutual Influence, Socialization | 2 Comments

Successful Role Reversal

Posted on January 7, 2012 by Aimee

Today I was sitting and working at Panera (a bakery cafe).  It was packed and out of the corner of my eye I noticed an older woman walking very slowly.  Things like this always catch my eye because it makes me so sad to see someone with limited mobility.  She was being helped along by an older man who I assume was her husband because they both had wedding rings on.  He helped her so gently to the table, helped her sit down, leaned into her and I assume asked her what she would like.  He went to order their food and came back with her coffee.  What was particularly different from this couple was the amount of touch he was giving her.  When he set her coffee down he gently put his hand on her back.  He seemed so gentle and caring with her, it was very touching to me, especially as a medical family therapist.  There is so much research saying that men are not as good of caregivers as women, but this man has shown me otherwise.  At one point they kissed, she had her hand on his leg.  The whole time they sat at the table his body was turned towards hers.  He was very attentive and what we would call attuned to her.  She seems to maybe have some dementia or attention difficulties because he had to get her attention a few times but did so in a very gentle way by saying hello softly and calmly.  When they got up to leave he had her arm to try and help her out of the chair, the first attempt failed and they laughed together as the second attempt worked.  She walked with a cane, her arm entwined in his as they exited.  It appeared to me that this man felt very fulfilled in his abilities to be caring and gentle with his wife.

I wondered to myself how this man learned to be so caring and gentle.  Did he have bumps along the road?  Was it difficult to learn?  Is it difficult to sustain this stance with his frail wife?

Have you ever seen or experienced something similar?  What did it make you think about men and women?  Relationships?

Posted in Health, Masculinity, Mutual Attunement | 5 Comments

Who Is Responsible for Your Christmas?

Posted on December 22, 2011 by Aimee

Wow I can’t believe another Christmas is only 3 days away!  I am very fortunate to be able to spend the Christmas holidays with my family in Canada this year.  I am having a great time with my parents, sisters, friends, and most of all my nephews Alex and Avery.   I do have to say I am viewing Christmas in a very different light this year.  It has only been a little more than a year since I started in the clinical research group, but the experience has drastically changed the way I view things I used to take for granted.  I’ve been thinking about how gender organizes holidays such as Christmas.  I’ve noticed a few things.

When it comes to managing gift buying, women have the majority of the responsibility.  There are always 5:1 facebook statuses, women to men, talking about Christmas shopping.  Women seem to take responsibility for buying gifts on behalf of their partner.   She needs to buy for her partner, her parents, her siblings, AND then buy for his parents, his siblings, and perhaps even her own present.  Add children into the mix and watch out!  Who buys gifts on behalf of the kids for their family?  Friends?  Teachers?  I’ve seen the shopping centers, and let me tell you, Christmas shopping is no easy task!

What’s this about?  I think it has to do with the more relational focus women tend to adopt.  Women tend to focus more on others, leading to a better perspective on what others might like and appreciate, so buying for others seems more ”natural”.  I feel a great sense of pride when I buy someone a gift I know he or she will love.  Making someone else feel like I KNOW them on that level, fosters a sense of connection between us.  Also I think women feel more of a sense of urgency to make sure no one is left out at Christmas.

A few more things that seem a little off balance…Think about who does these things in your family:

Who wraps the presents?

Who organizes family get-togethers?  Invites guests?  Makes sure everyone gets along?  Organizes activities for the kids?

Who is responsible for the holiday meals/baking?  Shopping for the food?  Preparing it?  Clean up?

I’m sure there are many men out there who are solely responsible for doling out the cash for gifts this year and there is alot of pressure that comes along with that, but I don’t think this equates to the insurmountable amount of busy work that comes along with putting everything together for Christmas.  The more commercialized Christmas becomes, the more pressure and stress women feel around the holidays.  Most women tend not to complain about this, or will even admit to being stressed because of messages from society telling them thinking this way would be selfish.

Think about who is the hub of your Christmas experience this year.  How can you help to alleviate some of the stress she feels?  How can you lend a helping hand?  Acknowledging and validating the pressure she is under and the stress she may feel, may be a great way to start.  Then ask what you can do to help and try something new!

Posted in Equality, Gender, Socialization | 1 Comment

Goodbyes are so Hard

Posted on December 15, 2011 by Aimee

Bye Kirstee!

Yesterday was a bittersweet day.  Our clinical research group lost one of its founding members, Kirstee Williams (on left).  Kirstee defended her dissertation yesterday, passed with flying colors, and is now Dr. Kirstee Williams!  We are so proud of her, but this means she must move on in life.  I personally owe a lot to Kirstee, as she was an integral part of my learning process in the group.  She took me under her wing, mentored me in the concepts of the circle of care, and helped me to become a better therapist.  She means a lot to me and I will miss her dearly.

Kirstee has and is doing really important research that has far reaching implications for couples and therapists trying to help couples.  She has applied a contextual lens to infidelity treatment and challenged therapists to not automatically look to the relationship as the reason why men betray their relationships.  Kistee really opened my eyes to why affairs occur.  I, like many people, held a belief that if someone strayed from the relationship, it must be because they are unhappy with their partner and the relationship.  In reality, 70% of men stray for other reasons, such as sexual curiosity and opportunity, and many of these men report being happily married.  This is significantly different than the 40% of women that seek affairs for reasons other than the relationship.  It follows than that therapists should not look to the relationship without first assessing power differences in the relationship and how these might have affected the decision to engage in infidelity.  Kirstee developed a model for the treatment of infidelity, called The Relational Justice Approach, which will be coming out in Family Process this month.  It is a guide to help therapists incorporate contextual factors, such as power processes, into the treatment of infidelity.

I assisted Kirstee in an examination of actual therapy sessions in which infidelity was the reason couples sought treatment.  We wanted to understand how contextual factors such as gender and power affected therapists’ ability to help couples through this difficult time.  We found that couples were only able to talk about the affair in constructive ways when they were relating in mutually supportive ways.  That didn’t always mean that the conversations were positive.  Sometimes this meant that a woman was able to express her anger at her male partner, but he let himself be vulnerable enough to be affected by her pain and take in her experience.  Even though she was angry at him, experiencing him as relational made the process of working through the betrayal easier for both partners.

I look forward to seeing the great work that Kirstee accomplishes in her newly budding career.  I am so lucky that Kirstee touched my life and my work as a therapist.  Check out one of the amazing posts Kirstee contributed to the blog: Surprising Lessons about Gender, Vulnerability, and Equality  http://equalcouples.com/?p=540

 

 

Posted in Therapy | 1 Comment

Gender, Power, and Sex Drive

Posted on December 8, 2011 by Aimee

I have always been interested in the role of power in sexual relations. I just found this really interesting article that talks about gender erotic plasticity.  This refers to the “extent to which the sex drive can be shaped by social, cultural, and situational factors” (Baumeister, 2004).  There is considerable evidence that women’s sex drives are more adaptable and changeable than mens.  The lower plasticity that characterizes men suggests that their sex drive is inflexible and independent of circumstances.  The author provides some evidence:

  1.  wives change and adjust more sexually during marriage
  2. women report more fluctuations over time in the amount of sexual activity they have
  3. men are less likely to add new sexual activities over time
  4. men are more likely to be homosexual or hetersexual and women go back and forth more often
  5. specific social and cultural influences (religiosity, education) have a bigger effect on women’s sexual practices than on mens
  6. women and girls perform more sex acts that they themselves disapprove of

There are many reasons why this may be.  Baumeister believes that men’s greater motivation (sex drive) is less prone to socialization influences.  He does not form an opinion on whether men have greater sex drives due to biological or social factors.  Probably because this is a heated debate in academia.   What is more interesting to me is that in discussing the implications of these findings he does not make a connection to power in intimate relationships!  To me regardless of whether men have higher sexual drives due to genetics or social factors, the fact that they are less likely to be changed by their female partner’s preferences indicates a large power imbalance.  Women would be accommodating much more often and this could  impact both her and her male partner’s satisfaction in the relationship.  Seems like if one person is always having it their way, it may get boring, or the person who is always accommodating may become resentful.

Now we are back to the question of what to do about this difference?  Do we ignore the information we have and just continue on with life because “that’s just the way it is?”  Or do we frame this power in the way that many blatant power differences are.  For example, the President of the United States has a considerable amount of power, but does this mean he can use it to fulfill his own personal needs?  No one would argue that that would be just, moral, or right.  In this case his power comes with a great deal of responsibility and accountability to those he has power over.  This is the way I view the implications of these findings.  Men need to take into consideration their position and influence over their female partners in determining what becomes of their sexual relationship.  They need to be responsible and accountable to the person they are in a loving relationship with, to ensure that their female partners are getting their sexual needs and desires met.  Or consider that sometimes their female partner may not want sex and that this has nothing to do with them.

My guess is that women and men have very different ideas about what arouses them and that women are being measured by men’s standard’s of what drives their sexual desires and this may be why it appears that women have lower sex drives.  Just a thought!

Posted in Biology, Gender, Power, Sex | Leave a comment

The Best Christmas Present I Ever Got

Posted on December 1, 2011 by Aimee

Hi Everyone!  I’m back, sorry for not posting last week I was playing catch up from my trip to Florida to present my research at the National Council on Family Relations (NCFR) conference.  In the study we look at how ideas about gender influence couples therapy sessions.  But that’s for another post…This week I have been doing some Christmas shopping, braving the crowds!  Being a student I don’t have a whole lot of extra cash so I like to think of gifts that are more thoughtful than expensive.  Combining this with thinking of everything I am thankful for in light of American Thanksgiving (I call it American because I am Canadian :) ), led me to think about some of the most rewarding relationships I have in my life.  Although I have not had the pleasure of being in a committed intimate relationship, I am more than filled with joy from relationships with family members, friends, professors, co-therapists, and classmates.  As I thought about what made these relationships so special and satisfying, it dawned on me that they are based on a desire from both people to make the relationship good for both people.  When both people are putting effort into making sure the other person is happy, power is being shared.  To me this is the essence of equality in relationships.

Power is a part of ALL relationships, and sometimes it is functional i.e. parent-child, teacher-student, etc.  Other times when there is the expectation of equality and the relationship is characterized by an imbalance in power it creates problems.  Most people don’t attribute their problems to power imbalances, but it plays a big, big role in problems that reoccur and those that do not seem resolvable.  So what can we do about this?  It is not realistic to eliminate power completely from a relationship, but instead to work towards equally sharing power.   How do you do that?  Well there’s no one answer, but I think it has to start with a desire and motivation from each person to not only be happy in relation to someone else but also to contribute to the happiness of the other person.  And this last week I got an early Christmas present from someone very special to me.  I don’t think the person realized at the time how much their words meant to me or what it symbolized in our relationship.  To me it symbolized thoughtfulness about what I want from our relationship and a desire to make me happy.  Now I know this will not be an easy task, as giving up power never is, but I will now be alot more tolerant if the person messes it up now and then.  Part of what let’s me know this person is open, is that they are willing to hear when I feel like things are not being handled in a fair way.  It’s not important to me that I always get my way, but that my position and feelings are being considered.  And that at times I am able to influence this person.  So thank you, you know who you are.  And for those of you wondering who this person is…I will never tell!  I’m just kidding, but seriously I never told this person I was going to write this post and I have to take into consideration that not everyone is comfortable with having their name on the internet.  So I am airing on the side of caution, thinking about how my actions might affect our relationship.  I am curious about what makes the great relationships of your life so great?

Posted in Equality, Power, Relationship Enhancement | 5 Comments

Are Marriage Ceremonies Outdated?

Posted on November 20, 2011 by Aimee

Here is a guest post from my good friend and colleague, Lindsey.  She is a MFT intern and practices Medical Family Therapy, while working on her PhD.  Before coming to Loma Linda to study she was a registered nurse.  She is hilarious, a blast to be around, and from what I read in this post VERY perceptive!  She had this to say about  the meaning of the ritual around marital ceremonies in our society.

Several years ago, when I was about 25, I experienced the Summer of the Weddings… I believe I attended six or so of these functions during those three months. When you go to that many weddings, you begin to either (a) tune them out and hope that there’s a tasty slice of cake waiting for you later, or (b) begin to think about the meaning of what we say and do at such events. What do the words we recite to one another say about what we believe? What is the symbolism in traditional ceremonial practices (for example: the lighting of the Unity Candle)? The times are changing (slowly), but
I continue to see couples struggling with issues of gender and equality which are often highlighted in their weddings.

Last May, I (along with much of the world) woke up early to watch the much-publicized wedding of Prince William of Wales and Catherine Middleton. It didn’t go without notice that Catherine left out the
Church of England’s traditional vow of “obeying him and serving him.” I found it interesting that the word “obey” is included only in the standard bride’s vows. Contrast that with the following: Robert Pattinson has done his fair share of recent promotional interviews for the upcoming film “Breaking Dawn.” Ann Curry interviewed him this week about what it was like to play the part of a groom watching his bride walk down the aisle. Pattinson replied: “You suddenly realize
that the role of a man, the role of a groom in a wedding, is that of a
prop.”

I was a bit shocked to hear such a perspective, but the more that I thought about it, the more I realized that this probably isn’t an uncommon sentiment. The stereotype of girls planning weddings from the time they’re able to say “I do” is in stark opposition to the way that men are socialized to understand this next step in the life cycle. Think of the difference between the “feel” of words
that women and men often use to describe matrimony: happily-ever-after (women), the old ball-and-chain (men), tie the knot (women), the beginning of the end (men), hitched up (women), tied down (men).

The more I see, the more I’m convinced that equality
doesn’t just happen. It takes work and a lot of practice. But what a payoff! Imagine the type of relationship where both husband and wife are invested and tuned in to the experiences of one another… they talk, listen, and learn together. They want to relate to one another in ways that are better and more fulfilling than what they’ve seen as the “norm.” I was inspired several weeks ago by reading the marriage vows of one Jewish couple who, dedicated to the practice of equality, recited to one another: “[We will] share equally the rewards of the relationship [and] respect each other’s needs for mutual
nurturing.” Now that sounds like a wedding that I’d love to
attend.

 

Posted in Media, Socialization | 7 Comments

What Happens When One of Us Gets Sick?

Posted on November 10, 2011 by Aimee

I have recently started doing therapy at a medical practicum site.  I see people who are dealing with severe life threatening chronic illness.  Many times the ill person will bring their partner in with them for therapy.  When a partner in a relationship becomes ill the other partner typically becomes their informal “caregiver”.  What is very interesting to me is how different the couples appear to me depending on if it is the man or woman in the couple who is the ill person.

I was reading an interesting study a while back that studied Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) in couples.  They measured depression in men with RA and their wives, and women with RA and their husbands.  They found that men with RA were the least depressed of all 4 groups and women with RA were the most depressed.  So how is it that the non-ill caregivers were not the least depressed?  Another interesting finding was that husbands of ill women reported receiving more positive support than wives of ill men.  So when women are ill their male caregivers are receiving large amounts of support from their ill wife.  When men are ill, their caregiving wives receive signficantly less support from their ill husband.  How does this happen!?!

Another study found that when women were chronically ill it did not appear to have an effect on her husband’s interactions with her.   The wife’s illness did not appear to make a difference in husband’s  involvement in trying to understand her feelings, giving her
attention, carrying out his roles as husband and father, or helping around the house.   On the other hand they found that when men were diagnosed, their female partners tended to make adjustments in these areas quickly and offer copious amounts of emotional support.

The implications of this research for satisfaction in couples is staggering.  Female partners, whether they are ill or the caregiver, were much less satisfied with their relationship.   In my work with couples I find that the male partner is often very unaware of how unhappy his partner is feeling.  And when they do realize it they are unsure of what to do about it.  They say “just tell me what to do to make it better and I’ll do it”.  The implication of this statement is that it creates more emotional work for the female partner as she now has to “direct” her male partner in how to help her.  Women typically do not need this type of direction.

What messages do see in society that contribute to creating these dynamics in couples dealing with chronic illness?

References

Hafstrom, J. L., & Schram, V. R. (1984). Chronic illness
in couples: Selected characteristics, including wife’s satisfaction with and perception of marital relationships. Family Relations, 33(1), 195-203. doi: 10.2307/584605

Revenson, T. A., Abraido-Lanza, A.F., Majerovitz, S. D., & Jordan, C. (2005). Couples Coping With Chronic Illness: What’s Gender Got to Do With It? [References] Couples coping with stress: Emerging perspectives on dyadic coping (pp. 137-156). Washington, DC: American Psychological Association; US.

Posted in Health, Mental Health, Socialization | Tagged , , , | 5 Comments

Can Women Have it All? Where Does This Leave Men?

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Aimee

This post is from Mayuri, my trusty co-therapist, good friend, and fellow member of the research group.  Mayuri, is in her 3rd year of the PhD program and working towards licensing as a Marital and Family Therapist.  She is working on important research with another group member about how we as therapists can come to know the societal and cultural messages that influence our client’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.  As well as, how we can increase our client’s awareness of how these messages constrict the range of possibilities that are available to them.    As a group we are very grateful for all of their hard work!

Mayuri had this to say about a popular song:

The other day I was driving in my car and Beyonce’s song
“Run The World (Girls)” came on.  I love this song and immediately pumped it up and sang along.  As I listened to the words of the song, I had a thought, in essence, “Girls” really do “run the world”.  Let me explain.  In this day and age, women often enjoy working, paying the bills, cleaning the house, birthing the babies, caring for others, and still trying to find time to look sexy for our men.  However, it can be very hard to maintain schedules and find the energy for all that’s important to us.  I know there are many women who struggle to juggle their work, family, and marriages.

Maybe women have too much responsibility. Would it have been better if women had stayed at home, barefoot and pregnant, and men were the only ones bringing in a paycheck? Would divorce rates fall because women are focusing on their marriages and families without the added load of a career?
Would women feel less burdened and overwhelmed?  Somehow the thought of going back to the days when women didn’t have careers and outside-the-home jobs makes me feel sad and
dissatisfied. I enjoy my work and find fulfillment in my family as well. Is there a way for women to have it all?  Can couples today support a woman’s desire for a career, happy family, as well as an intimate marriage?

I think Mayuri is making a great point here, reading it I am reflecting on how much women’s lives have changed in the last 50 years, what I wonder is have men’s lives also changed as drastically?  Have they stepped up at the same rate to fill the “void” in housework, childcare, and caring for the couple relationship, that may have been created when women left the home to work?  Are they even expected to?  This is not just an individual problem of motivation or desire, it is also a societal problem.  I’ve heard of men who have wanted to take paternity leave so their wives could continue working and they are denied this, laughed at, and ridiculed for their wish to focus on their family and make sacrifices for their wive’s careers.  What are some of the ways you have seen society increase the pressure on women to be everything?  How have you seen society constrain the possibilities for men to be more relational?

Posted in Equality, Music | 2 Comments

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

Posted on October 27, 2011 by Aimee

John Gray’s, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, who hasn’t heard of this book?  The fundamental premise of this book is that men and women are different, there’s no getting around this, and how can we learn to be in intimate relationships knowing this?  This book is the culmination of a biological differences view of gender, but what is not made clear by Gray is that this is a theory – only one view – of gender.  Views of gender like Gray’s reinforce gender stereotypes and the status quo.   How many of you were aware that scientific research has largely discredited the claims made in this book?

My earlier posts on the 4 components of the circle of care, pointed out gendered differences in how these are practiced.  The point of that is not to say, sorry women, your man is a hopeless case you’re never going to get what you want from your relationship, deal with it.  Or sorry men, you’re always going to feel inadequate and frustrated with how to relationally please your woman.

There are other theories, but many people are not aware of that.  Social constructionism in short, very short, is the belief that differences are due to socialization, how we are treated differently from birth as boys and girls and how language is used to define reality.  Think about the power of a name to define who you are.  Someone who has not seen you, heard you speak, or nothing about you will make assumptions about who you are based on your name.

Socialization also makes it difficult for men who may be more relationally oriented, to be open about this without being labelled “a sissy, gay, pussy-whipped”.  Now why is it that men are made fun of and ridiculed when they possess feminine traits such as dependence, vulnerability, or care for others?  Society in general has rigid ideas about what you ought to be as a man and as a woman and if you decide to deviate from that it’s going to upset someone.  But just the fact that so many men are able to be different in relation to their partners, provides evidence for me that we are not doomed to our “biological destiny”, but our identity is fluid and changeable.  And exactly why we think that our vision for relationships is a possibility for everyone.

The challenge is in dealing with the pressures from society to be a certain way.  The hope is that the benefits of being in a mutually supportive relationship far outweighs the costs.  And that when you have a really deep connection with your partner, their opinion will be the one that matters the most.

 

Posted in Biology, Socialization, Stereotypes | 6 Comments