Intimacy is a relatively new concept in our society. Historically, intimacy was not considered an important aspect of couple relationships. Today, it is viewed as vital to sustaining a healthy relationship with a partner and most people say they want it.
So we’ve all heard of this elusive word…intimacy…but what does it REALLY mean? Just as there are dominant ideas about what a ‘man’ and a ‘woman’ should be, there are also dominant ideas (discourses) about what intimacy is. What a person assumes about intimacy will affect how they create it and experience it in their relationship. How we think about intimacy is tied to how we think about gender, power, domination, and sexuality. I think most people associate intimacy with sharing your feelings with someone, sex, or something that can only be attained after many LONG years of marriage. Each of these constructions of intimacy has it’s problems in terms of gendered ways of being. If intimacy is talking about your feelings, and men don’t like talking about their feelings, then intimacy becomes something women need and men fear. It’s no secret that men are socialized to experience ’connection’ with their partners through sex. So if men want to experience intimacy through sex and women through vulnerable sharing, are they ever in a position to share an experience of intimacy? Can something be considered intimate if only one partner considers it so?
Weingarten (1991) proposes a broader way to think about intimacy and intimate interactions, where intimate interactions are any two people sharing a moment where they create meaning together in a mutual process of relating. Interactions in which you feel understood better by someone or that you understand someone better, would be characterized as intimate. Or situations in which two or more people create meaning together. Thinking of it this way, intimate interactions can occur through talking about anything from sports to feelings, or even in sharing an activity such as hiking, fishing, or whatever you’re into! Non-intimate interactions would be situations where one or both persons infringe on the mutual meaning making process by imposing, rejecting, or misunderstanding, which can feel like domination. With this definition intimacy can be something experienced in all relationships, or even in an interaction with a total stranger.
Repeated intimate interactions, can lead to a feeling of intimacy with your partner, whereas repeated non-intimate interactions can lead to feeling disconnected and distant. If one person is typically the one imposing, providing, rejecting, or misunderstanding their partner they are acting from a position of power, rather than equality. In this way, intimate interactions sound like the building blocks of mutual influence, one of the four components of the circle of care. Have you ever tried to share an idea, a thought, or an experience with someone and their reaction totally turned you off? I’ve witnessed this in my work with couples and it creates distance, pain, and resentment in the relationship. Contrasting that to times when I’ve seen intimate interactions occur, where each partner is open to being influenced by eachother, there is a stark difference in the connection I can feel between partners. I’m not sure I can even find a word to describe how I feel witnessing a moment of such deep connection. What words come to your mind?
Please share experiences you’ve had that fit this new way of thinking about intimacy and intimate interactions.

