Equal Couples

Amy and Marc Vashon’s book Equally Shared Parenting should be on everyone’s baby gift list. Don’t worry that the couple might get more than one copy. They will wear out several over the years. In this month of weddings, think of it also as an equally appropriate wedding gift. This book lays out on a day-to-day basis, how to work together as an equal couple. It gets down to the nitty-gritty of how a couple learns to share life together in an equal way and why equality is so important for life and love. It is well written, a good-read, and is the best guide for couples who want to share life together that I have ever seen.

Posted by Anne

The “Implications for Practice” sections in each of the chapters of Carmen’s and my book Couples, Gender and Power suggest ways clinicians can teach clients how to do equality. The Vachon’s book Equally Shared Parenting shows by example, page after page, how couples can develop equal patterns of parenting. We can learn how to create equal relationships. Equality is a set of skills we acquire to improve our relationships and give us more balanced lives.   Since equality, as we define it, is a process, we don’t have to rail at ourselves and our partners because we haven’t yet achieved Equality, with a capital E.  We’re working on it, we’re changing our behaviors and attitudes day by day. As long as we are both committed to the process and act in good faith, we can learn equality.

Posted by Anne

Times are changing, but in ways that can make recognizing and understanding gendered power in couple relationships confusing.  Consider these examples:

Recently our clinical research team was discussing a young heterosexual couple that was seeking therapy.  The female was upset because her male partner quit work without discussing it with her and seemed to expect that she would support their young child.  The male partner seemed very attached to other aspects of masculinity such as building up his physical strength and did not seem to know how to listen or attune to her.  But he is actively involved in caring for their son.  The female partner wants him to carry his weight. 

Another student was describing a father who also wanted to quit his professional career and be the full time caregiver for their children. As we explored the case, it became clear that he expected to make the decisions in the family, including this one.  The wife objected to his decision because she said that when he has previously been the parent-at-home most of the household tasks were still left to her.

These cases illustrate both a trend toward gender role flexibility and the tenacity of male dominance.  In her history of marriage Stephanie Coontz reported that most men no longer wanted a submissive partner. But living up to these ideals takes more than shifting who does what in the relationship. It requires relating to each other from positions of equal worth and entitlement to shape the relationship.

Posted by Carmen

Here’s an interesting item.  Over the last decades real differences between women and men have decreased on a variety of measures–math scores, sports participation, graduate school enrollment.  But as neuroscientist Lise Eliot points out in Pink Brain Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow into Trouble Gaps, society’s beliefs about the differences between the genders has actually GROWN. She reports that  people today perceive greater differences between women and men now than in the 1970s!!

All the talk about men and women being “hard-wired” differently and coming from different “planets” affects what we expect of ourselves and our partners.  This fascination with differences exaggerates differences in ways that make them real and limit life options and how we relate to each other.  Acording to Elliot’s comprehensive review of the data, boys and girls are born with only very small biological differences.  But we tend to treat them as though the differences are huge. This affects what we learn about ourselves and what we do. Many couples build relationships based on exaggerated notions of difference.

When Rik Rusovick and I studied young couples in the attraction stage of new relationships, we found that many of these couples (Californians all under 30) juggled conflicting notions of gender as they told us their stories of their relationships. Nearly all adamantly expected their relationships to be equal. But at the same time a number of them explained their relationship patterns based on the notions like “men and women communicate differently.” These couples seemed to celebrate gender differences with no apparent awareness of how those differences contribute to unequal relationships. 

For example, Ann,  a woman in the study said, “We’re equal. We just do our own thing.” Her partner Randy said, ” I like that she lets me play a male role. . . I wanna wear the pants.” Couples who believed in this two-planet model of equality accepted that men and women communicate differently. They want mutual understanding, but accept that men are not as good at this as women. None of the couples in the study had children. One can only imagine how their relationships could become skewed as each partner persists in “doing their own thing” when trying to raise children, and men step back because women “naturally” know how to handle kids.

The good news is that about half the couples in our study completely rejected traditional gender models as they told us about their attraction. They described being attracted because their partners did not act according to the stereotypes. For example, Emil and Paula described being attracted because of their relationship helped free them from the gender scripts for their culture. According to Paul, “I  love a good Hispanic girl that has ambitions.”

 Nearly all women and men in the study also spontaneously strongly resisted of the idea of male dominance. The challenge for the couples who believe in big gender differences is how to put this ideal into practice, since exaggerated gender differences also tend to perpetuate gender inequality.

Posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin

At the top because the US is always Number One?  Top ten?  Below Rwanda?

The answer helps explain why couple equality is sometimes so difficult. Nancy Folbre, an economics professor at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst gives us the scoop in her recent blog  Economix. There are at least four different published rankings that consider some aspect of gender inequality that include the US. None of them places the US among the top ten.

The best the US did was #13 on the Human Development Index which takes into account life expectancy at birth, enrollment in schools, adult literacy and per capita gross domestic product. It ranked 19th on the Gender-Related Development index. On a third measure, The Gender Empowerment Measure, which takes into account relative levels of political participation and decision-making power, economic participation and earnings, the US ranked 18th. On the Gender Equity Index, on a scale of 100, the US ranked 74th in 2009, below Rwanda.

We have written in earlier blogs about the ways in which corporate culture and social policies in our country continue  to work against gender equality in families. These statistics show how far behind the US is regarding gender equality relative to other countries, both developed and developing.

Post by Anne

Kirstee Williams, M.S., is a doctoral student in Marriage and Family Therapy at Loma Linda University in Southern California. She is part of a clinical research group that focuses on how to work with gender, power, and cultural issues in couple therapy.  Kirstee is particularly skilled in working with the emotional process between intimate partners and is currently conducting an analysis of infidelity treatment models to determine to what extent they may reproduce gender stereotypes (early conclusions suggest that they do, but that is a topic for another day).  Here Kirstee describes what she is learning about working with vulnerability in distressed relationships.  

 As a family therapist interested in inequality in couple relationships, I have been surprised by how subtle equality processes are. Our clinical research group uses a model of equality that focuses on mutual accommodation, power, vulnerability, and attunement.  As my eyes have been opened to these aspects of equality, many forms of unequal relating are easy to spot. For example, it now obvious to me how important mutual vulnerability is.  I have come to see facilitating male vulnerability within the couple interaction as a particularly important achievement in most successful couple therapy.

 Yet, the subtly of the equality process that follows male vulnerability becomes complicated. Most therapists would move toward helping the female respond in equally vulnerable ways in that moment. Although female vulnerability is just as significant as male vulnerability for equal relating over the long term, it is important to note that societal process have created different “starting places” for gender. A man’s willingness to be vulnerable (and take in other emotional experiences) may spark what has traditionally been considered to be “less vulnerable” emotions such as anger from females. Gender stereotypes tend to suggest that women should not be angry, or should have to keep the peace by privileging male experience over their own, often losing their “honest” voice in the process. Thus when a couple is transiting to more equal relating through a male’s willingness to be vulnerable, honest emotionality (including anger) from the female in response to his vulnerability may be the first sign of equality in the couple interaction and the first step toward more honest, sincere connection. I am learning how important it is to make space for this expression and help male partners accept and take in her experience.

 For example, I was working with a couple who had been coming for reunification after the husband had left the relationship for several months. He desperately wanted the relationship to work and was very interested in learning all he could about what it meant to be “relational.” His wife also wanted the relationship to work and was terrified to challenge him for fear that he would leave again. As a result, she tended to be extremely supportive and accommodating of his efforts. Throughout the weeks and months that followed we worked on many aspects of relationalty, but one particular aspect seemed to hold the energy to move the relationship forward—his vulnerability. As I coached him in becoming more vulnerable I could feel his wife responding differently to him. In session I explored this dynamic, and asked the husband to invite his wife to share what her increasing anger was about. She responded, “For the first time he is safe enough to be honest with.” Then she turned to him and said, “your leaving was devastating, I am very angry that you could disregard me and our relationship like you did.” The husband responded by nodding his head and acknowledging her right to be angry, actively staying in the vulnerable position in that moment. He then moved toward her to apologize again for his actions. For the first time since his leaving this couple had a sincere connection regarding the “incident.” 

 If I had expected this wife to meet her husband with the same amount of vulnerability he was displaying in that moment she would never have shared honestly what her experience of anger was. Several weeks later the husband commented in session, “I fall more in love with her every day, she has an energy there to get excited about.”

 Posted by Kirstee Williams

As I was reading about the intentional way Marc and Amy Vachon  create their own relationship (see my previous post), I was struck by their conscious resistance to falling into predetermined gender patterns.  I’m not sure we’re used to thinking of equality as resistance, but it really is.  Resistance is necessary in the face of established power dynamics that do not necessarily serve the needs and interests of individual couples.

Just today a student was describing a couple that he interviewed for a research study.  The husband said that he put family before his work.  But by default he ends up focusing more on his work than on what is important to his wife.  This happens because he does not intentionally focus on her and the old patterns take over.  To live by his ideals, he needs to intentionally resist old gender norms that invite her to focus on him, but not him to focus on her.   It takes small acts of resistance every day–at least until new patterns become ingrained.

Let’s hear it for resistance!!  How do you resist? What are your acts of resistance?

So much has changed in the last 40 years.  Most couples today expect equal relationships.  In our research couples tell us that they do not intend to follow old gender rules.   But in so many ways they do.  Women end up carrying the bulk of the responsibility for organizing family tasks, even when they hold full time jobs.  Men want to be involved fathers, but often end up stepping back as mothers take care of the children and develop emotional bonds bonds with them.  Women of all ages are disappointed that their male partners don’t listen more and tune into them emotionally, and men want relationship but don’t know how to create one.   In a time when more women graduate from college than men,  and girls—as well as boys—are encouraged to develop their talents and follow their dreams,  many people are caught off guard when they recognize that they have fallen into  old gender patterns without ever intending to.   

Couples who create equal relationships do so intentionally.  In “Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents” Marc and Amy Vachon describe their own experience and that of other couples who have found ways to put their egalitarian ideals into practice.   What stands out to me in their account is that equal relationships do not all look alike.  They are personal and intentionally created.  

The Vachons encourage readers to embrace two philosophies: equality and balance; then advocate intentionally planning how to put these into practice to create equal partnerships and individually balanced lives.   With mutual commitment and conscious planning a full range of relationship possibilities are available.

In the old gender rules both partners sacrificed aspects of themselves.  Men sacrificed being actively engaged relationally in order to be successful in the workplace; women sacrificed career to attend to their families.  The Vachons emphasize that in an equal relationship with shared parenting, both partners must be willing to cut back in some areas in order to have more of what they want in others.  The key is both partners making changes, both partners reorganizing where and how their time is spent, and conscious planning.

The equal relationships described by the Vacchons sound very different than the couples described in “Opting Out: Why Women Really Quit Their Jobs and Head Home”by Pamela Stone.   The well-educated (formerly) professional women in Stone’s study all had great jobs that they liked.  But their husbands also had great jobs, and all of the changes and pressure for parenting was put on the women.  In the end, the women decided that maintaining their jobs was too hard and sacrificed them.  These couples seemed to assume that the men’s career had priority.   Not so in the couples described by the Vachons.  In Equally Shared Parenting both partner’s intentionally set (or reset) priorities, schedules, and duties that privilege each partner’s commitments and responsibilities in family, work, and personal domains.   The Vachons argue that to create equality couples must be willing challenge taken-for granted assumptions on each front.  This means questioning ideas about what women and men “naturally” do, how much money one has to have, and even our own ideas about how certain tasks should be done.   In their account, the effort pays off in many more ways than in just sharing the work.  Each couple creates their own unique life, and in so doing, build a relationship in which each partner has ownership.

Thanks Amy and Marc for making your own process so open and in reaching out to identify others who share your success.   We need many models for how to break free from old gender traps.  You can find Amy and Marc’s blog at http://equallysharedparenting.com. 

Please share your successes with us!

posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin

If you’re interested in how some couples actually pull off shared parenting, start the new year by reading the new book by Marc and Amy Vachon, “Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents.”  Drawing on their own experience and interviews with other couples who successfully share parenting, Amy and Marc  provide a highly readable guide that makes a strong case for ESP: “Each partner has to do only half the work, owns only half the responsibility for running the family, and gets half the power in the relationship” (p. 24).  Then they show readers how to do it.

Their most important argument is not really about the benefit of dividing the work; it is about the connectedness they feel to each aspect of their life, to each other, and to their children.  While this is very important to mothers, it is also a real advantage to fathers.  They get to develop intimate relationships with their children and take a full role, rather than an apprentice role in the home.  And work–even if you love it–doesn’t wipe out everything else in life.

According to the Vachons, equally shared parenting begins with commitment, with consciousness about what you want.  It involves an assessment of your values.  What do you really want to do with your life and your time?  It means that partners share relationship responsibility, child care, and housework, but also have time for themselves and engage meaningfully outside the home as well.  The actual solutions in terms of choices and schedule are as varied as the couples themselves. 

The book gives example after example of how creative couples avoid falling back into old gender patterns.  It is also clear that equally shared parenting won’t just happen.  It takes  intentionality, planning, and letting go of old gender messages that can catch us off-guard.  But the stories and practical suggestions they present give reason for optimism. In the end, it is about two willing partners who respect the sharing.  Some planned before children were born; others did a makeover years into the parenting process.  Most couples run into hurdles from time to time.  But the benefits and joy that the efforts bring are compelling.

Without models to draw on, today’s couples have trouble putting their egalitarian ideals in practice.  Thank you Amy and Marc, for helping to show the way. 

We’d love to hear from you.  What has helped you share parenting? What hurdles have you overcome–or need to overcome?  

posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin

The next generation (18-32 year olds) almost unanimously seek a life that balances work and relational connection within an egalitarian partnership.  This finding from a new study by Kathleen Gerson confirms many previous studies.  Her just  released book, The Unfinished Revolution: How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work, and Gender in America,”  provides an in-depth look at how women and men raised after the women’s movement respond to this ideal. She found considerable skepticism that they will be able to achieve what they want. High demands in the work place, increased pressures on parents, and limited support and flexibility in the workplace convince most of the 120 participants in her study that they may need a fall back plan. 

Not surprisingly women and men in the study describe very different–clashing–fall back plans.  Women fear that they will not be able to find a partner that will share the load with them. They speak of planning to be self-reliant, to be able to support themselves, have a satisfying work life, and raise children within a network of female support.  Men fear that they will not be able to take on all these shared responsibilities and worry about encroachment on their autonomy.  They speak of a “neotraditional” fall back plan in which they are the primary breadwinners with female partners who will help with the finances, take primary responsibility for children.

Interestingly, there is no difference between women and men in their preferred lifestyle; everyone wants relational connection and a satisfying work life.  This was true across ethnic and socio-economic groups.  Neotraditional fall back plans–when expressed by women–were more common among upper-middle class white women than women of color or those from working class and poor backgrounds. This finding surprised me at first, but makes sense given that the fall back plans are based on expectations that their preferred egalitarian relationships may not pan out.  Only middle-class white women have faith that the men in their lives will be able to financially sustain a family.

Gerson’s study points to the need for solutions!  Today’s younger women and men need models for what works. Marc and Amy Vachon host a website called Equally Shared Parenting that provides this kind of help.  Look also for their soon-to-released book (same title) that shares the collected experience and wisdom of couples like themselves who are actually making shared parenting work.  Our book,  “Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships“   illustrates how some couples are able to accomplish equality while so many others fall short of their ideals.

It is also important to note that the concerns Gerson’s study participants raise are real.  Without changes in workplace structures and policies and better and affordable child care options, the road for couples is challenging.  Gerson concludes that couples with more flexible gender models have more options and are better able to negotiate and maintain satisfying lifestyles.  She also calls for social policies that emphsize a collective responsibility for children, not just leaving it to families. We couldn’t agree more!

 

posted by Carmen