Equal Couples

Sweden has generous parental leave. And at least two months are reserved for fathers. A recent article in the New York Times describes amazing social shifts as  a result. Men are no longer identified just by their jobs and women’s incomes are increasing. The article reports that a new definition of masculinity is emerging and this is reflected in new workplace norms. As a result men are not penalized for taking paternity leave.

In the United States parental leave policies vary from state to state. Many states do not have paid leave for either parent. Women’s careers often stall or fall behind with the birth of a child. Men who take advantage of parental leave policies often are discriminated against at work. Not so in Sweden.  Sweden also has highly subsidized preschools. According to the article, female employment rates and birth rates have sky-rocketed as well.

Gender equality is much easier when  social policies support it. Without strong workplace and governmental policies, men and women easily blame each other and social policies reinforce gender stereotypes. (For a look at how parents in the U. S. struggle to share parenting, see Francine Deutsch’s interesting study “Halving It All.”)

Thank you Froma Walsh for passing along this interesting article.

posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin

At the top because the US is always Number One?  Top ten?  Below Rwanda?

The answer helps explain why couple equality is sometimes so difficult. Nancy Folbre, an economics professor at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst gives us the scoop in her recent blog  Economix. There are at least four different published rankings that consider some aspect of gender inequality that include the US. None of them places the US among the top ten.

The best the US did was #13 on the Human Development Index which takes into account life expectancy at birth, enrollment in schools, adult literacy and per capita gross domestic product. It ranked 19th on the Gender-Related Development index. On a third measure, The Gender Empowerment Measure, which takes into account relative levels of political participation and decision-making power, economic participation and earnings, the US ranked 18th. On the Gender Equity Index, on a scale of 100, the US ranked 74th in 2009, below Rwanda.

We have written in earlier blogs about the ways in which corporate culture and social policies in our country continue  to work against gender equality in families. These statistics show how far behind the US is regarding gender equality relative to other countries, both developed and developing.

Post by Anne

If you’re interested in how some couples actually pull off shared parenting, start the new year by reading the new book by Marc and Amy Vachon, “Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents.”  Drawing on their own experience and interviews with other couples who successfully share parenting, Amy and Marc  provide a highly readable guide that makes a strong case for ESP: “Each partner has to do only half the work, owns only half the responsibility for running the family, and gets half the power in the relationship” (p. 24).  Then they show readers how to do it.

Their most important argument is not really about the benefit of dividing the work; it is about the connectedness they feel to each aspect of their life, to each other, and to their children.  While this is very important to mothers, it is also a real advantage to fathers.  They get to develop intimate relationships with their children and take a full role, rather than an apprentice role in the home.  And work–even if you love it–doesn’t wipe out everything else in life.

According to the Vachons, equally shared parenting begins with commitment, with consciousness about what you want.  It involves an assessment of your values.  What do you really want to do with your life and your time?  It means that partners share relationship responsibility, child care, and housework, but also have time for themselves and engage meaningfully outside the home as well.  The actual solutions in terms of choices and schedule are as varied as the couples themselves. 

The book gives example after example of how creative couples avoid falling back into old gender patterns.  It is also clear that equally shared parenting won’t just happen.  It takes  intentionality, planning, and letting go of old gender messages that can catch us off-guard.  But the stories and practical suggestions they present give reason for optimism. In the end, it is about two willing partners who respect the sharing.  Some planned before children were born; others did a makeover years into the parenting process.  Most couples run into hurdles from time to time.  But the benefits and joy that the efforts bring are compelling.

Without models to draw on, today’s couples have trouble putting their egalitarian ideals in practice.  Thank you Amy and Marc, for helping to show the way. 

We’d love to hear from you.  What has helped you share parenting? What hurdles have you overcome–or need to overcome?  

posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin

The next generation (18-32 year olds) almost unanimously seek a life that balances work and relational connection within an egalitarian partnership.  This finding from a new study by Kathleen Gerson confirms many previous studies.  Her just  released book, The Unfinished Revolution: How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work, and Gender in America,”  provides an in-depth look at how women and men raised after the women’s movement respond to this ideal. She found considerable skepticism that they will be able to achieve what they want. High demands in the work place, increased pressures on parents, and limited support and flexibility in the workplace convince most of the 120 participants in her study that they may need a fall back plan. 

Not surprisingly women and men in the study describe very different–clashing–fall back plans.  Women fear that they will not be able to find a partner that will share the load with them. They speak of planning to be self-reliant, to be able to support themselves, have a satisfying work life, and raise children within a network of female support.  Men fear that they will not be able to take on all these shared responsibilities and worry about encroachment on their autonomy.  They speak of a “neotraditional” fall back plan in which they are the primary breadwinners with female partners who will help with the finances, take primary responsibility for children.

Interestingly, there is no difference between women and men in their preferred lifestyle; everyone wants relational connection and a satisfying work life.  This was true across ethnic and socio-economic groups.  Neotraditional fall back plans–when expressed by women–were more common among upper-middle class white women than women of color or those from working class and poor backgrounds. This finding surprised me at first, but makes sense given that the fall back plans are based on expectations that their preferred egalitarian relationships may not pan out.  Only middle-class white women have faith that the men in their lives will be able to financially sustain a family.

Gerson’s study points to the need for solutions!  Today’s younger women and men need models for what works. Marc and Amy Vachon host a website called Equally Shared Parenting that provides this kind of help.  Look also for their soon-to-released book (same title) that shares the collected experience and wisdom of couples like themselves who are actually making shared parenting work.  Our book,  “Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships“   illustrates how some couples are able to accomplish equality while so many others fall short of their ideals.

It is also important to note that the concerns Gerson’s study participants raise are real.  Without changes in workplace structures and policies and better and affordable child care options, the road for couples is challenging.  Gerson concludes that couples with more flexible gender models have more options and are better able to negotiate and maintain satisfying lifestyles.  She also calls for social policies that emphsize a collective responsibility for children, not just leaving it to families. We couldn’t agree more!

 

posted by Carmen

 This morning Meet the Press addressed institutional lag in the workplace; that families have changed much more than the places they work. This is a critical issue for couples commited to equality. One of the guests was Maria Shriver. She has just completed a report called “A Women’s Nation” that NBC will be featuring this week.

I was surprised to see this subject getting prime coverage on a “serious” news show–rather than a special feature somewhere else. I think it may be because work-family issues are starting to be more than a “woman’s” issue. And because host David Gregory is a father of young children. 

Gregory spoke about how he had to speak to his boss about reducing and rescheduling his hours to better fit his wife’s. He reported that his female boss was quite willing to help him work this out. Good as it is to hear this kind of new gender behavior given favorable press, Shriver brought us back to the need for change and the gendered nature of power. She noted that confronting one’s employer  may be easier for him than for most women. (And I think for most men).

Check out the links above to listen to the show or read the report. I haven’t read all of Shriver’s report yet, but it appears well-researched. What is especially important is that it calls for institutional changes in the workplace instead putting all the focus on the individual family and what they should do. Valerie Jerrett, another panelist on the show (an advisor to Obama), also emphasized the need to encourage positive workplace behavior–to identify what is working in some work settings and policies that invite others to follow their lead.

  Bravo to NBC for making work-family issues front and center this week.

posted by Carmen

Our decisions about family care and work are more than just individual problems and private choices, argues Peskowitz in The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars The parent  problem is a “serious, structural problem that is a remnant of an economy that saw men as central and ideal workers and relegated women to supporting roles at home.” Carmen and I argue that this widespread  individualistic attitude about parenting promotes couple inequality.

If you too are concerned about these issues, you may want to connect with some of the organizations that advocate about these issues for parents.  Check out www.familyandhome.org, which started out as a mothering movement, but quickly broadened to all parents; www.mothersandmore.org, which, among other activities, advocates for structural changes to support mothers; and www.hipmama.com with lively political commentary.

Post by Anne

Inflexible workplaces zap professional women from two sides. They make it difficult for women to continue high level jobs when they become mothers, as I described a few blogs back. They also make it difficult for the women’s husbands, who have similar jobs, to change their schedules so they can share family responsibilities. With parenthood comes new sets of  demands for caring and educating children that both parents believe are essential. Yet when the women Pamela Stone talked with in Opting Out? were trying to figure out how to balance parenting with career, their husbands did not step up to share the load. “It’s your choice,” most husbands told their wives, code for “It’s your problem.”

Stone argues that the men, in voicing support for whatever decision their wives made, appeared to be deferring to their wives, but the appearance of egalitarianism was deceptive. In reality, the men’s inability to cut back on their own schedules sent a clear message that they were unwilling or unable to support their wives’ careers as equal to their own. Inflexible workplaces push couples back into the old gender roles they thought they had abandoned. Once the woman opts out, stereotypic gender roles and inequality become even more pronounced. Yet family needs can’t be ignored.  “Somebody’s got to do it,” explained one mother as she settled into the playground beside other at-home mothers.

Inflexible work environments take a terrible toll on mothers, fathers, and family life in general. Widespread couple equality will be difficult to achieve without  addressing  the organization of our workplaces. The first step is for couples to become consciously aware of how work demands can unbalance their relationships and try to minimize their impact. But the real solutions will have to come from outside individual families.

Posted by Anne