Equal Couples

Do you know anyone who talks a lot about how equal their family is? “None of that sex role stuff in our house. We share everything 100%.”  Yet when you look at them, it seems like one partner is doing a lot more than the other. One seems to find time for leisure. The other never does. One seems to always be worrying about all the little things that need to be done, making sure the house gets picked up when people are coming over, keeping in touch with relatives, appointments, etc. The other never thinks about those things unless specifically asked. You have the vague feeling that your friends may not be sharing as equally as they say they are.

We call this the “myth of equality.”  When we interviewed lots of different kinds of couples, most told us they were “equal.” Yet when we started to ask questions about who did what, who made decisions, whether one person felt it was important to accommodate to the other, or who felt mainly responsible for the kids, some couples didn’t look like they shared much at all.

Telling yourself you are sharing equally when you aren’t makes it hard to talk about ways you might make your relationship better. It may leave you feeling guilty for being so  stressed out trying to do your part. As long as you convince yourself there is no problem, you and your partner can’t begin to solve it.

Ask yourself some questions:

• Who decides what is important in your family?
• Do each of you give and receive in fairly equal proportion?
• Is one of you more likely to organize daily activities around the other?
• Does one person’s well being seem to come at the expense of the other?

A woman’s “gatekeeping,” warns Sue Shellenbarger in a June 17, 2009 Wall Street Journal article, can create an obstacle to a father’s interaction with his children. Often women aren’t even conscious of their gatekeeping. They may fend off help from fathers in many subtle ways in order to bolster their own self image or protect the “natural” bond they feel with their children. Or men may invite interference in their fathering by hanging back or being so irritable or anxious that women decide it is easier to do most of the child care themselves. Yet fathers can bond as strongly with their children as mothers.

Couples who are consciously working toward equality usually become aware of either a mother’s gatekeeping or a father’s stonewalling and try to find ways to share parenting more equally. Matta found that fathers in equal relationships were more able to recognize and respond to the needs of their wives and children than fathers in relationships that were based on more traditional gender roles.

But any couple can raise awareness about obstacles that get in the way of the father being more involved with his kids and make changes.We’d love to hear about how others deal with this issue. Anne

At dinner with friends last week our table got into an extended discussion about Carmen’s and my book, Couples, Gender, and Power.  I was expecting a quiet dinner away from work, but the concept of “equal couples” intrigued everyone. Questions kept coming and conversation was spirited. Is equality just about sharing tasks? Can couples ever really be equal? I didn’t have time then to get into our model of relationship equality so will give it a try here.

We’ve found four characteristics that are associated with an equal relationship:

1. both partners have a say in what’s important to them and the relationship,
2. each partner pays attention to the other,
3. each accommodates to the other, and
4. the well being of each is supported equally.

Equal partners work as a team. They are concerned about their own needs, their partner’s needs, and the relationship. Equality is not about always getting your own way, but having your needs and wants taken into account as the two of you work through decisions and life styles. It’s about trying to find the best solution for both partners.

Carmen and I focus primarily on couples, but of course egalitarian couples want to take children into account as well. Equality seems to be good for families. There is research that shows that couples who try to share power equally have lower divorce rates.         Anne

I’ve been following the discussions about appreciation over at Amy and Marc Vachon’s blog on equally shared parenting (EPS), as well as the responses to Marc’s guest blog on the same topic on motherlode. I’ve been puzzling about why many responders, including me) have been so riled up about these blogs and am wondering if it is because we have all been confusing appreciation and gratitude.

Appreciation is about valuing or being sensitive to another. John Gottman emphasizes the importance of mutual appreciation for couples when he talks about the “rule of five,” — the ratio of five positive statements for every negative one that couples  give each other in a healthy relationship. Mutual appreciation seems really important for happy couples. And besides, it’s fun and makes everyone feel good. 

Gratitude is more likely to be weighed down with a sense of “you owe me.” When I first read Hochschild’s description of the “economy of gratitude” in The Second Shift, I had a major ‘aha” about what was going on in my own marriage at the time. Gratitude can create inequality and undermine relationships. Dana Matta found in his 2008 study of fathers that wives in less equal relationships were more likely to feel emotionally indebted to the husbands for anything they did to “help” with the home or children. Their sense of owing made them feel less equal, perpetuating a cycle that gave men more power in the family. In more equal relationships wives did no feel indebted. The father’s participation in child care was expected and assumed – which is what Marc and Amy are saying. But that doesn’t mean couples shouldn’t enjoy giving each other lots of appreciation, as long as it goes both ways and doesn’t put one partner in debt to the other.         Anne