Equal Couples

In an equal relationship each of us feels that the other is supportive of our own goals, interests, and well-being. We each feel that we can bring up issues and set the agenda for discussion and negotiation. We expect that both sets of  needs and concerns will be heard and considered equally. We both feel empowered by our relationship.

This is a different kind of power than always being able to get our own way. Decisions are made to maximize the well-being of both of us as well as the relationship. Sometimes  one of us puts aside a personal goal to help the other or our relationship. We expect that this will be noticed, appreciated, and equaled out as soon as possible.

Posted by Anne

Gender Equality: Transforming Family Divisions of Labor edited by Janet Gornick and Marcia Meyers proposes a set of policies designed to foster more egalitarian family divisions of labor by strengthening men’s ties at home and women’s attachment to paid work. They show how and why dual earner/dual care-giver arrangements are essential for the well-being of post-industrial societies. The authors’ policy proposal is followed by a series of commentaries–both critical and supportive–from a group of distinguished scholars.

One of the strong factors that supported the move toward couple equality in our own research was the commitment by both partners to family involvement and work participation. It is exciting to see a discussion of how specific workplace policies can help make this dual family/work participation and greater couple equality possible.

posted by Anne

The struggles of new motherhood are more than an identity issue, argues Miriam Peskowitz in her book The Truth Behind the Mommy Wars. “They are a labor issue.”  She argues that our frustration with family and working choices is about the “refusal of most American workplaces to deal creatively and humanely with family life.” We are caught between our belief that we live in an egalitarian society and a cultural reality that tells us we don’t. She calls this the “parent problem,” the problem that affects us all.”

Many couples who want equality manage okay until they hit parenthood. Suddenly all the old expectations and attitudes about how men and women ought to “be” surface. Organizational expectations and norms that the couple hadn’t noticed before also suddenly apply. Options narrow.

Peskowitz describes the parent problem as a “serious, structural problem, a remnant of an economy that saw men as central and ideal workers and relegated women to supporting roles at home.”  It is the “parent problem,” argues Peskowitz, that is the pressing feminist issue, not the “war” between mothers who work and those who don’t.

posted by Anne

There is an interesting discussion over at the work life fit site in response to a post entitled “Jack Welch is Right” about whether it is possible for women in high level positions to have work/life balance. What is interesting from an equal couples perspective is that the same concerns are rarely raised about working men in high level positions. Why?

Is it that men can balance better than women? Is it that we take it for granted and think it is okay that men in high level positions don’t have or don’t want balance in their lives? Or is it that men’s struggles to balance work and family still remain invisible because we consider the family/work issue a woman’s problem? If we want to make real progress in the workplace we can’t afford to let work/family issues be only a woman’s problem! What can we do to break the barriers in this area for both women and men?

Check out  the equally shared parenting blog for a recent post “Balance Is Not a Four Letter Word.”  Some companies say they are trying to address these issues with their employees. Anyone have any experience with what works?

Posted by Anne

A man’s power in a couple relationship is often invisible. It only comes into view when it is challenged. If there is an  unspoken assumption about whose needs are most important and who accommodates to whom, compliance occurs without conflict. Many women learn, for example, what their husband’s limits of tolerated behavior are and stay within them. The man’s power is not observable because the wife never seems to want anything the husband does not.

Occasionally a woman holds this kind of power. “Henpecked husband” is but one of a long list of crude and derisive descriptors for men with powerful wives. The clever wife, we are told, gets her way by subtly convincing her husband and everyone else that her ideas are his.

Certainly relationships are changing and becoming more egalitarian, but these old power expectations still float in our cultural atmosphere and remain built into our social institutions. We can’t challenge them until we see them.

Posted by Anne

Feminists advocate for gender equality. Family advocates work for the well-being and stability of contemporary families. The goals of these two groups have often seemed at odds. Yet we are now learning that equality and relationship success are closely connected. Recent family research shows that inequality undermines relationship success. Equality promotes it. Why the connection between equality and relationship success? What are your experiences?    Anne

Next week my husband John and I are moving. How do couples make decisions like this? Who accommodates? Whose needs take priority? Whose job shapes the move? Who listens? Our realtor said it was fascinating to watch us. She said we got along much better than most couples. She must see a lot.

I trust that if something matters to me then it matters to John. But when John started to evaluate houses on whether or not there was room for a pool table, I said “no way!” It became our running joke. I suspect we will get the pool table. “The kids will like it.” But when John talks about the move, he says he is excited because it will make my commute to work much shorter.

What has your couple experience been with moving? Who does the work in your moves? When you disagree about a house, what do you do?    Carmen

Awhile back I posted on gratitude versus appreciation. Expressing plenty of appreciation to our partners makes us feel good in our relationships — as long as that expression of appreciation flows in both directions. Who knows, it might even help us handle those perpetual problems I’ve been posting about.

I just came across the happiness project blog today, with a list of good ways to praise people and the differences between praise and flattery. The tips aren’t designed specifically for couples, but a lot of them work. One in particular caught my eye, “don’t praise someone at the same time you ask for a favor.” How often do we do that? Does it work?    Anne

Got carried away on my last blog. It began to seem perpetual itself. But perpetual problems in couple relationships don’t get much attention, even though every couple has them. Relationship books sometimes seem to suggest that we should be able to resolve every problem. We begin to feel that if we can’t do that there is something wrong. I wonder if couple who try to be egalitarian have a harder or easier time with perpetual problems.  What perpetual problems are you experiencing in your relationship? How do you deal with them?    Anne

This is Carmen. I am in the midst of traveling and moving, but want to say hello.

I just returned from the American Family Therapy Academy conference in New Orleans. The disruption and destruction in the city is still extensive. Our conference focused a lot on resilience. On that the evidence is clear. Good relationships make a world of difference.

We look forward to hearing your relationship stories. How do you and your partner create resilience? Is it mutual? Does one person carry more of the weight?