Equal Couples

I just returned from giving a presentation in Puerto Rico.  Family researchers there described a very high rate of  sex with “secondary partners” among young couples. Their focus groups reported that women also claimed the “right” to extra-sex—non-emotional sex outside their primary relationships.  This seemed to be a way to gain equality. I’m all for women enjoying sex.  But I worry  about a model of equality that focuses only on individual freedoms without also including shared responsibility for the relationship.

Some of the questions  the Puerto Rican researchers had not yet explored were whether women were adopting a masculine model of relationship and if their relationship ideals and preferences were being compromised—in other words, were they playing by relationship rules defined by men?  These are important questions for women and men everywhere. In the old model of relating sex was often viewed as something men wanted and women didn’t. Women could use the “giving” of sex as a bargaining card. Women claiming their right to sexual pleasure for themselves as well as their partners is important to equality. But women simply becoming more like men seems to me a very limited answer. Sexuality between equal parterns imvolves so much more.

This topic is pretty new territory—one that Anne and I want to explore in more depth.  We need your help.  What does an equal sexual relationship look like? What issues are involved? How is equal sex part of a mutually supportive couple relationship? 

posted by Carmen

Tom Blume alerted us to a News York Times story on equality in the Obama’s marriage.  It seems to me that they may be an illustration of the struggles couples face in trying to live out egalitarian ideals.  Here is part of the story when they were asked about equality:

”Michelle Obama gave what sounded like a small, sharp “mmphf” of recognition, and the fluid teamwork of their answers momentarily came to a halt. “Well, first of all. . . .” the president started. His wife peered at him, looking curious as to how he might answer the question.

“She’s got. . . .” he began, but then stopped again.

 “Well, let me be careful about this,” he said, pausing once more. “My staff worries a lot more about what the first lady thinks than they worry about what I think,” he finally said, to laughter around the room.

The question still unanswered, his wife stepped back in: “Clearly Barack’s career decisions are leading us. They’re not mine; that’s obvious. I’m married to the president of the United States. I don’t have another job, and it would be problematic in this role. So that —you can’t even measure that.” She did add that they are more equal in their private lives — how they run their household, how they raise their children, the overall choices they make.’

Just this morning one of my students was discussing with me her plans for a study on how couples magange egalitarian ideals over time–how they make decisions and keep the relationship going through the struggles without models to guide them.  She wonders where couples get their models.  So I wonder….what relationship models do the Obamas represent? Is it even possible to talk about equality when you’re dealing with the President of the U.S.? On various occassions they have described the struggles they have gone through over the years to balance careers, family, love, and ambition. Most of our lives are less public, but the issues are very real. How do people manage equality over the long term?  Looking forward to your thoughts.

posted by Carmen