Equal Couples

The next generation (18-32 year olds) almost unanimously seek a life that balances work and relational connection within an egalitarian partnership.  This finding from a new study by Kathleen Gerson confirms many previous studies.  Her just  released book, The Unfinished Revolution: How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work, and Gender in America,”  provides an in-depth look at how women and men raised after the women’s movement respond to this ideal. She found considerable skepticism that they will be able to achieve what they want. High demands in the work place, increased pressures on parents, and limited support and flexibility in the workplace convince most of the 120 participants in her study that they may need a fall back plan. 

Not surprisingly women and men in the study describe very different–clashing–fall back plans.  Women fear that they will not be able to find a partner that will share the load with them. They speak of planning to be self-reliant, to be able to support themselves, have a satisfying work life, and raise children within a network of female support.  Men fear that they will not be able to take on all these shared responsibilities and worry about encroachment on their autonomy.  They speak of a “neotraditional” fall back plan in which they are the primary breadwinners with female partners who will help with the finances, take primary responsibility for children.

Interestingly, there is no difference between women and men in their preferred lifestyle; everyone wants relational connection and a satisfying work life.  This was true across ethnic and socio-economic groups.  Neotraditional fall back plans–when expressed by women–were more common among upper-middle class white women than women of color or those from working class and poor backgrounds. This finding surprised me at first, but makes sense given that the fall back plans are based on expectations that their preferred egalitarian relationships may not pan out.  Only middle-class white women have faith that the men in their lives will be able to financially sustain a family.

Gerson’s study points to the need for solutions!  Today’s younger women and men need models for what works. Marc and Amy Vachon host a website called Equally Shared Parenting that provides this kind of help.  Look also for their soon-to-released book (same title) that shares the collected experience and wisdom of couples like themselves who are actually making shared parenting work.  Our book,  “Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships“   illustrates how some couples are able to accomplish equality while so many others fall short of their ideals.

It is also important to note that the concerns Gerson’s study participants raise are real.  Without changes in workplace structures and policies and better and affordable child care options, the road for couples is challenging.  Gerson concludes that couples with more flexible gender models have more options and are better able to negotiate and maintain satisfying lifestyles.  She also calls for social policies that emphsize a collective responsibility for children, not just leaving it to families. We couldn’t agree more!

 

posted by Carmen

Last night we were working with a couple seeking to improve their relationship. The issue at hand was that when issues get tense the husband just leaves. Usually he goes off to his room and focuses on his computer. He explains that this is “his nature;” that he just doesn’t naturally tune into what’s going on with others.  His wife  ”understands” his character and holds back from expecting him to be someone he is not.  But the relationship is in trouble. She is tired to being left to carry the relationship burden.

Stonewalling, leaving, or tuning out of relationship is a common male relationship style. If you buy into the idea that this is just how men are, that they come from Mars and need to go to their caves, there is little hope of creating an equal, mutually supportive relationship—one in which both partners focus on each other and on maintaining the relationship.  Instead, women are left living in an emotional, relational world, while men live in a completely different world of independence and autonomy. The best we can do is understand and accept these differences.

A simple, but essential, step in creating a mutual relationship is to believe that change is possible; that men and women are not trapped by their  ”natures.”  So we asked them how the relationship would be different if “Johnny” changed his “habit” of not noticing what it’s like for her to be left holding the relationship ball.  Habits may take some work to change, but they do not define us.

The shift in the conversation was amazing! “Johnny” started to imagine that “Judy” would be less stressed; that he’d be less likely to withdraw from her, and that they would enjoy each other’s company more. He started picturing himself intentionally focusing on her—and liked the idea. He began to challenge his imagine of himself as someone not naturally good with “people skills.”

 The first step to change is challenging beliefs that gender differences are “hard-wired;” thinking, instead, of them as habits. The second step is experiementing with intentional change.

posted by Carmen