Equal Couples

So much has changed in the last 40 years.  Most couples today expect equal relationships.  In our research couples tell us that they do not intend to follow old gender rules.   But in so many ways they do.  Women end up carrying the bulk of the responsibility for organizing family tasks, even when they hold full time jobs.  Men want to be involved fathers, but often end up stepping back as mothers take care of the children and develop emotional bonds bonds with them.  Women of all ages are disappointed that their male partners don’t listen more and tune into them emotionally, and men want relationship but don’t know how to create one.   In a time when more women graduate from college than men,  and girls—as well as boys—are encouraged to develop their talents and follow their dreams,  many people are caught off guard when they recognize that they have fallen into  old gender patterns without ever intending to.   

Couples who create equal relationships do so intentionally.  In “Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents” Marc and Amy Vachon describe their own experience and that of other couples who have found ways to put their egalitarian ideals into practice.   What stands out to me in their account is that equal relationships do not all look alike.  They are personal and intentionally created.  

The Vachons encourage readers to embrace two philosophies: equality and balance; then advocate intentionally planning how to put these into practice to create equal partnerships and individually balanced lives.   With mutual commitment and conscious planning a full range of relationship possibilities are available.

In the old gender rules both partners sacrificed aspects of themselves.  Men sacrificed being actively engaged relationally in order to be successful in the workplace; women sacrificed career to attend to their families.  The Vachons emphasize that in an equal relationship with shared parenting, both partners must be willing to cut back in some areas in order to have more of what they want in others.  The key is both partners making changes, both partners reorganizing where and how their time is spent, and conscious planning.

The equal relationships described by the Vacchons sound very different than the couples described in “Opting Out: Why Women Really Quit Their Jobs and Head Home”by Pamela Stone.   The well-educated (formerly) professional women in Stone’s study all had great jobs that they liked.  But their husbands also had great jobs, and all of the changes and pressure for parenting was put on the women.  In the end, the women decided that maintaining their jobs was too hard and sacrificed them.  These couples seemed to assume that the men’s career had priority.   Not so in the couples described by the Vachons.  In Equally Shared Parenting both partner’s intentionally set (or reset) priorities, schedules, and duties that privilege each partner’s commitments and responsibilities in family, work, and personal domains.   The Vachons argue that to create equality couples must be willing challenge taken-for granted assumptions on each front.  This means questioning ideas about what women and men “naturally” do, how much money one has to have, and even our own ideas about how certain tasks should be done.   In their account, the effort pays off in many more ways than in just sharing the work.  Each couple creates their own unique life, and in so doing, build a relationship in which each partner has ownership.

Thanks Amy and Marc for making your own process so open and in reaching out to identify others who share your success.   We need many models for how to break free from old gender traps.  You can find Amy and Marc’s blog at http://equallysharedparenting.com. 

Please share your successes with us!

posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin

“We each have a finite amount of energy, time, and resources,” caution Renee Trudeau and Bella Guzman, authors of the 2008 book  The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal.  “Most of us give away and waste our energy every day without even realizing it.”

They suggest that doing more may not be the best way to cope with feeling depleted, despite the old axiom “the more you do, the more you can do” that has left me feeling guilty since somewhere in high school. Maybe when we feel depleted we are, and we need to find some way to recharge.

We also may need to think about how we are using our energy. The beginning of the year is a good time to do an energy audit. How much energy do we let leak away on lengthy phone calls, unnecessary emails, unrewarding social gatherings, or grubbing around in disorganized spaces at home?  How can we better align our time and energy to our values? Happy New Year.

Anne

If you’re interested in how some couples actually pull off shared parenting, start the new year by reading the new book by Marc and Amy Vachon, “Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents.”  Drawing on their own experience and interviews with other couples who successfully share parenting, Amy and Marc  provide a highly readable guide that makes a strong case for ESP: “Each partner has to do only half the work, owns only half the responsibility for running the family, and gets half the power in the relationship” (p. 24).  Then they show readers how to do it.

Their most important argument is not really about the benefit of dividing the work; it is about the connectedness they feel to each aspect of their life, to each other, and to their children.  While this is very important to mothers, it is also a real advantage to fathers.  They get to develop intimate relationships with their children and take a full role, rather than an apprentice role in the home.  And work–even if you love it–doesn’t wipe out everything else in life.

According to the Vachons, equally shared parenting begins with commitment, with consciousness about what you want.  It involves an assessment of your values.  What do you really want to do with your life and your time?  It means that partners share relationship responsibility, child care, and housework, but also have time for themselves and engage meaningfully outside the home as well.  The actual solutions in terms of choices and schedule are as varied as the couples themselves. 

The book gives example after example of how creative couples avoid falling back into old gender patterns.  It is also clear that equally shared parenting won’t just happen.  It takes  intentionality, planning, and letting go of old gender messages that can catch us off-guard.  But the stories and practical suggestions they present give reason for optimism. In the end, it is about two willing partners who respect the sharing.  Some planned before children were born; others did a makeover years into the parenting process.  Most couples run into hurdles from time to time.  But the benefits and joy that the efforts bring are compelling.

Without models to draw on, today’s couples have trouble putting their egalitarian ideals in practice.  Thank you Amy and Marc, for helping to show the way. 

We’d love to hear from you.  What has helped you share parenting? What hurdles have you overcome–or need to overcome?  

posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin