Equal Couples

Matt Schneider of the  NYC Dads Group just told us about an event they are co-sponsoring.  New York Times journalist and Motherlode blogger, Lisa Belkin, will be moderating a discussion with Marc and Amy Vachon, and Kathleern Gerson, NYU sociologist and author of The Unfinished Revolution: How a New Generation is Reshaping Family, Work, and Gender in America. They will discuss the Vachon’s new book,  Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents. 

I have read both these books.  Gerson’s shows how today’s couples begin with equal ideals, but don’t have a clear vision (or even expectation) that they can carry them out.  The Vachon’s book shares their experience and the experience of other parents in actually doing shared parenting.

Wouldn’t it be great if discussion groups across the country were exploring these issues!  The event is in New York City at 7 PM on Thursday, May 27. More details can be found at www.92ytribeca.org/talks.

posted by Carmen

Times are changing, but in ways that can make recognizing and understanding gendered power in couple relationships confusing.  Consider these examples:

Recently our clinical research team was discussing a young heterosexual couple that was seeking therapy.  The female was upset because her male partner quit work without discussing it with her and seemed to expect that she would support their young child.  The male partner seemed very attached to other aspects of masculinity such as building up his physical strength and did not seem to know how to listen or attune to her.  But he is actively involved in caring for their son.  The female partner wants him to carry his weight. 

Another student was describing a father who also wanted to quit his professional career and be the full time caregiver for their children. As we explored the case, it became clear that he expected to make the decisions in the family, including this one.  The wife objected to his decision because she said that when he has previously been the parent-at-home most of the household tasks were still left to her.

These cases illustrate both a trend toward gender role flexibility and the tenacity of male dominance.  In her history of marriage Stephanie Coontz reported that most men no longer wanted a submissive partner. But living up to these ideals takes more than shifting who does what in the relationship. It requires relating to each other from positions of equal worth and entitlement to shape the relationship.

Posted by Carmen