One of my cousins has been particularly taken with this blog and we have passionate conversations about gender imbalances. I always saw her as a pretty tough woman who knew what she wanted and would not settle for any less. We grew up one house away from each other and our dads were always very close so I would consider her my sister, rather than just a cousin. She married a great guy whom I see as my brother in-law. He’s fun to hang out with and fits in good with our family. He, at least in my eyes, is a pretty traditional guy that grew up within the rural culture where men are tough, can fix anything, and don’t talk about their feelings.
For almost two years they have been experiencing difficulty having a child. She has had three miscarriages which have been very hard on her body, mind, and emotions. The last 
one just occurred yesterday. I am so sad for them. They both desperately want children so these losses and the subsequent difficulty getting pregnant again and carrying it to term have been hard on their relationship. He thinks she focuses too much on the loss and she wonders how it seems to not bother him. He can’t handle her emotional ups and downs and she wonders if he has emotions at all. He thinks she is irrational and she thinks he is cold. She has difficulty being around other women who are pregnant or have babies; he doesn’t get it. These many polarized experiences of the same event add up to a BIG disconnect. She cries; he doesn’t know what to do and whatever he has tried has usually ended up in an argument. As the days, weeks, months, and years go by the “not getting each other” pushes them farther and farther apart. I know they love each other a lot and want to be together and work through this. These moments can be a huge opportunity for growth in the relationship or….the nail in the coffin.
So what changes need to happen and who needs to make them in order to move towards growth? Should she stop being so emotional so he’s not uncomfortable? Should she get over her feelings about being around pregnant women and babies? Maybe she should go to a counselor to process her grief. Will those things get them through? Sure, probably for a little bit and I’m sure he would be pretty happy about it, but what would that mean in terms of the long term health of the relationship. If that were the solution and probably the one that most people think about – the message sent is that emotions are bad for the relationship and create distance and she should accommodate to make things easier for both of them. The problem with that solution is that I think what she is experiencing is completely normal in these circumstances. Her responses and emotions may seem exaggerated, but that’s only because he is not responding to them. When we have to keep our emotions bottled up, feel like we’re crazy for having them, deny their presence, or have others deny them or make you feel crazy for having them — they fester and grow stronger 
than they originally were = her seemingly “flipping out” over nothing and him holding stronger in his position that she is not acting normal. He also felt a strong urge to get away from her when she was being emotional – this is normal for men, they experience an adrenaline rush (fight or flight response), but luckily we can retrain our bodies not to fear something that really isn’t dangerous.
Every time one of these interactions takes place, each of them holds on to their respective positions, which makes them feel like they are a world apart. So how do we stop doing the things that are clearly not working? And who makes the first move?
Well…I think he should and I told him that. She’s been through a lot in the past couple of years and she needs him right now in ways that may not feel familiar to him. He might feel uncomfortable, but if he can sit through it and hear her cry, hear her words, hear her pain, hear her hurt, hear her thoughts around this traumatic loss and her body turning against her…eventually she will need to talk about it less, cry less, hurt less, her pain will ease, and they will ultimately become closer. They can take this on together, rather than being pitted against each other in the process. They need each other so much right now and I think he needs to talk about it too, but doesn’t know how, doesn’t want to feel weak, or feels he needs to be strong because she seems so weak.
I really admire both of them for putting their story out there and talking to me about it openly and honestly. It probably took a lot for him to sit there and be really honest about what he thinks/feels about this situation, especially to a feminist! I think that is a really good sign and I hope he took in some of what I said about trying to understand her more and will use the courage I know he has to push through his own negative physical reaction to her pain. I also think she is really brave to put her vulnerability out there so that others can know what she is going through and hopefully learn something useful about her, relationships, miscarriages, and/or grief.
Visitors
Thanks for sharing this story. Appreciate the open heartedness of you and your family.
My heart is breaking. {tears} {tears} {tears}
My heart goes out to your family, Aimee. The loss of this unfulfilled life affects not just your cousin and her husband, but the many family members and friends close to them. You have beautifully described your own sense of anguish. I admire your efforts to open space for your cousin and her husband to make sense of their experience.
Kleinman wrote: “We, each of us, injure the humanity of our fellow sufferers each time we fail to privilege their voices, their experience” (1995, p. 117). In the case of your cousin and her husband, it seems that you are finding ways to be a compassionate witness (Weingarten, 2000) and to listen with an open heart and mind to their stories. In so doing, these conversations can possibly help to shift the burden of the pain that each aspiring parent now attempts to nobly (and in gendered fashion) carry in her or his own way to the support of a broader caring community (namely, yourself).
How we process our grief is such a unique experience. There is no one prescriptive way to do this. Some persons need to cry and otherwise express their emotions in myriad ways; others need to chop wood. I just wonder what might happen if your cousin and her husband could accept and honor each other’s different way of handling one of the greatest sorrows we experience in life. There’s no perfect way to do this, that I know from my own experience with the loss of my child. Somehow making sense of the loss goes a long way toward placing it in the meaningful history of our life.
Kleinman, A. (1995). Writing at the margin: Discourse between anthropology and medicine. Berkeley: University of California Press.
Weingarten, K. (2000). Witnessing, wonder, and hope. Family Process, 39(4), 389-402.
First of all I’m so sorry for their continued losses. I’ve never had to go through that experience and carried both of mine to term. However my best friend was pregnant at the same time as me both times and lost them – both times. She did get pregnant a few months later both times and carried to term but it doesn’t take away the loss of the two that didn’t make it. If hubby from above is reasing this, i guess this is for you to help understand her a bit more. For me as just a friend even I think about the “birthdays” that should be before my kids instead of after now among many other reminders of those lost babies. The loss that she goes through is never really gone. It comes up years later and those babies will never be forgotten in her heart. I can say that because they have never left mine either. She will grieve and she will be ok again one day and she will be ready to try again one day. Just remember that it’s just for today or a few that she’s not and with you being her person, she needs your arms now more than ever. Sometimes just holding someone and admitting I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I will be here with you for every step of that journey. She will probably even get through it all quicker this way. You can do this hubby!! Clearly you’re strong enough to talk to Aimee, you want to be there for your wife. We don’t need to understand everything to be the arms and ears our spouse needs. Lots of prayers to you both.
I am completely overwhelmed with everyone’s beautiful comments and messages. My goal was to share a story to lift some much needed weight off my shoulders. I feel so much lighter. Words are extremely powerful. Love love u Aimee Galick for doing this. Thank u everyone for your prayers and support. You will never know how much you touched my heart!!!
After being on both sides of this, my heart goes out to you Jill. You are definitely not crazy, and there is a huge range of emotions that you both go through before getting to that place where you are ‘ok’ again. After I miscarried, I thought I had gotten over it. It wasn’t planned and so we thought “well, now we have a chance to do it the ‘right’ way”. I took my time being sad and whatnot but when almost a year later, around what would have been my due date, my youngest sister announced that she was pregnant, I had a really hard time dealing with it. Jarred didn’t quite understand my pain, and neither did my family, not fully I don’t think. They thought I was over it, I had thought I was over it too, but it’s not something you ever get over, and I don’t think you are supposed to. These are experiences that you and your partner go through together, learn from and grow from hopefully. And I agree with Veronica, if he was strong enough to open up to Aimee then he is definitely there for you!
I hope things work out for you guys, no matter what happens.
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I understand what Jill is going through. I miscarried my first pregnancy. I didn’t tell anyone about it until after I had my first child. To tell you the truth, my parents and siblings still don’t know.
When it happened it was very ealy on in the pregnancy. I tried to tell myself that it was okay and that God did this because the baby was not healthy or was not meant to be mine. I pretended that everything was okay and that it didn’t hurt. But I did hurt. As a matter of fact it still hurts. Even though I have two beautiful healthy boys I feel a loss.
When I told my husband he didn’t say much. Only that it wasn’t meant to be and that God had a plan. He didn’t feel sad or a least he didn’t show me that he felt sad.
After the miscarriage we had a difficult time getting pregnant again. Every time I saw someone pregnant I was angry, jealous and mad. It hurt to see others happy.
When I finally became pregnant again my husband was over protective with me. He was constantly making sure I took care of myself and ate all the right foods while avoiding the wrong ones. At first I didn’t understand his behaviour but then it dawned on me. This was his way of coping and for it not to happen again.
Jill, I am very sorry for your losses. I know you will never forget the pain, but it will subside. You are a strong woman.