A special thank you to Clayton Koh the author of this week’s blog post. I met Clayton at a friend’s birthday dinner where we had a great conversation about how we are socialized to be male and female. It is always refreshing for me to meet men who are willing to question how healthy “normal male development” really is for men and relationships. Reading this post helped to open my eyes to the new struggle younger men and boys experience hearing the conflicting messages about masculinity today.
In our world, kids are constantly bombarded by ideas about gender. “That’s a boy color, That’s a girly thing to do, Why don’t you do things like your sister?, or Be a man!”
As I reflected on my own childhood and the way that society teaches our boys about masculinity, I realized that there are strong stereotypes relating to what it means to be a “real man.” Society tells boys that they must be stoic with their emotions, risk-taking and rugged, muscular and macho, independent and confident, and never express weakness. The effects of the struggle to fit in (or the inability to fit in) to society’s stereotypical mold of masculinity can be devastating–ranging from depression, serious physical health problems, anti-social behaviors, marital problems, or social group shunning. To make matters more complicated, society now expects men to mirror the traditional “macho” image of masculinity as well as the modern, more sensitive/loving image. 
With conflicting messages about masculinity given by parents, teachers, and society at large, it can be confusing for boys to figure out how to be “real boys” and also be true to the unique talents, interests, and dreams they have. How can they fulfill their artistic dreams when their parents are pushing them to master football? How can they learn to express their emotions in a healthy way when teachers and coaches reprimand them when they cry?
To address these issues, I wrote and illustrated a book called I’m a Real Boy. The aim of this book is to open up dialogue between parents and children or teachers and children about what real masculinity is, because I believe that one of the best ways we can help to change the harmful pressures of masculine stereotypes on boys is to help adults (namely parents and teachers) become more aware of the subtle and overt ways in which they are perpetuating some of these stereotypes. I hope that this book will be one of many voices that will be heard to empower boys with the knowledge that being a real man is really the same as being authentic and true to the way they were created to be.
If you’re interested in getting a copy of Clayton’s book I’m a Real Boy please leave a comment indicating your interest. He will contact you through the email address you provided in order to comment. Please note: You do not need to write your email address in the comment.
Visitors
I really appreciate Clayton`s awareness! He took it a step further and did something to help boys and men and others start talking about what it means to be manly as well as relational. I believe these conversations can directly influence and foster mutuality in relationships.
I was pleasantly surprised to see my friend Clayton on here, but then I realized we also have some friends in common here too.
I also appreciate Clayton’s book dealing with gender identity and masculinity, and this book would be a good addition to a therapist’s “bibliotherapy” library for children.
This is an important subject close to my heart too that Clayton and I have had conversations about. Too often, people in our society assume that if you don’t fit the stereotype of a man, such as working on cars or knowing everything about sports, then you are not a “real man.” Along with many men, I also struggled with my own masculinity growing up, primarily because of the absence of my father. I wasn’t included in sports and I didn’t have a girlfriend like the other guys. I would be called various names. My own journey was a little different in that my spirituality or relationship with God was what affirmed my own “masculine identity” independent of my father. While this freed me to redefine what being a man meant to me, it ALSO gave me the freedom to embrace or accept some of the good parts of masculine stereotypes while rejecting some of the restrictive “insensitive” qualities. The reason I say this is that sometimes people mistakenly believe that redefining masculinity means rejecting everything associated with being a man, but it seems to me that when you are truly free to redefine it for yourself and be comfortable with that, then you can be flexible and free to take on traditional male roles OR to do things differently and be okay with that.
Because of the abuses perpetrated by men such as my father, there have been many times growing up when I felt shamed by others simply for being male. That may be hard to believe, but there have been many times when I felt that simply because I was a man, that that was somehow a bad thing. It was not until I felt a spiritual affirmation of being a man that I no longer had to be ashamed of it. That does not mean that I accept all the bad things that men often do, but it *does* allow us to see and embrace some of the good things that men do rather than focusing only on the negatives. For example, I personally embrace some of the traditional male ideals, such as enjoying adventure, humor and comaraderie, being a leader (albeit a co-leader rather than the dominant leader), having the courage to take risks (which may include emotional risks too), and being strong (enough to care for relationships too). Having some ideals to rise to are good in that they challenge us to grow. Of course, the danger is when we limit our scope of what being a man or woman is based on socialized stereotypes.
To summarize more briefly what I just said above, it seems that this book captures one of the problems with masculinity, that the gender stereotypes are not good for developing men. I would also add that many men seem caught in this double-bind of 1) being shamed for not being “man enough,” but on the other hand, 2) shamed for being too much like men, when they are men. It’s an impossible place to live unless you can find a way to become free from this gender shame and affirm one’s gender.
Clayton, I’m excited to hear about this book and I would love to see it.
40 years ago (really?) I left the US Army to become a nursery school teacher and spent almost 7 years in classrooms with young children before transitioning to family therapist. My primary mission was to let boys know that there were other role models besides Ultraman. I feel that my colleagues and I in that generation had some effect, but backlash has wiped out some of the gains. Time for a new wave of folks to work on positive male identities.
I would love to buy a cooy of this book!