Today is Valentine’s Day. I know what I thought that meant before I was aware of relationship inequalities. I believed that was the day it was OK for men to profess their love for their partner. Do it any other day…and maybe you’re not a real man or I dare say “whipped!” I’m not sure why, but I always thought of it as a day that men did things for women. Probably because women did things all year round and this was the one day they would be showered with affection and praise. Also perhaps birthdays and other holidays. Seems like an awfully long time to wait to know that you are appreciated/loved. I think this sets women up to have high expectations and I wonder what the effect is on the relationship when he does not meet those expectations.
Do we really need a day to acknowledge our love for one another? Love is present everyday, all day! I mean how much sense does it really make to bank on one day of the year to let your partner know how important they are to you. If people made a habit of doing this continually would there even be a need for a day like Valentine’s Day? Wouldn’t it seem silly? I think the reason why it doesn’t seem silly is because in our culture Love is so far removed from our everyday individualistic lives that we need to set aside a time to remember that it is important to honor the relationships and people we love. Maybe it seems easier for men to buy a gift or spend money, rather than doing the more vulnerable things to show love. Marketers and companies probably picked up on this and capitalized at the expense of many men’s wallets and relationships. Think about it, is it easier to make a reservation at a restaurant? Or anticipate your partner’s needs day by day and do little things to make sure they are being met? Women do this more “naturally” because we are socialized from birth to do so – this is what we call attunement. And once you sense what someone else is needing – it is difficult not to be affected by it and subsequently act upon it.
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I think some men are missing this critical relationship skill. Ever receive a gift from a man and think HUH?! Why would he think I would like this? If you get a gift or gesture that you really love and didn’t have to tell your partner what you wanted, then you can be assured your partner is attuned to you — unless he cheated and asked someone else who is attuned to you what you would like.
Just for the record…I’m not anti-Valentine’s Day…I just think we should treat one another like everyday is Valentines Day, minus spending all the money we have on gifts for one another, by mutually attuning to one another’s needs and acting to meet them. This can be one of the simplest, yet most profound ways to show love and it doesn’t cost a dime.
I’d love to hear other’s thoughts, both men and women on the meaning of Valentine’s Day to you. Who knows? Maybe my ideas are outdated. Anything is possible.
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Valentine’s Day is no more necessary in our lives than Christmas, which similarly sends the message of “if you don’t give gifts to everyone you care about, you’re a bad person”. Of course if we expressed our love every day for those we care abut there would be no need for either V-day, or Christmas, much less Father’s Day or Mother’s Day.
And you can express love without buying something.
Anyways, I’d love to chat the next time you are back in Edmonton Aimee. We’ve hardly talked in the past because we were playing poker, but I think we could, along with my new wife, could have a fascinating conversation about love, equality, D/s, and open relationships.
Hi Hal, glad to see your input on the blog! Yes it is hard to have serious conversations over a good game of poker. Your comment is very interesting to me, especially the last 4 terms. I’m curious to hear how you think those things relate. I’m skeptical, but open to hearing your perspective. Not sure when I will be back in Edmonton next might not be till Christmas.
I definitely agree with Hal. I think if you are attuned to others, whether your partner, friends, mother, father, siblings, and often the most important influence in many peoples’ lives, their Lord, you would naturally and consistently behave in a manner that reflects your attunement and love for them regardless of what day it is. I wouldn’t need Valentine’s Day to show my partner, friends, or family that I love and appreciate them nor should I feel badly that I chose not to follow a truckload of well wishers and gift givers on that particular day. It’s a simple thing to do so why not you ask? Facebook, tweet, text, send a card, give them a call . . . Well if it’s so simple, why not do it any other day of the year and really make it special and out of the ordinary? If the person knows my feelings for them, understands the breadth of my connection to them, they wouldn’t need me to be one of the many on that particular day to wish them anything.
I believe this is true even for Mother and Father’s day. We’ve gotten into this routine of acknowledging them on that day and often lack deep connection or commitment to letting them know how influential they are in our lives. I think the same also applies to Christmas. I have experienced surprise talking to individuals who identify as Christians and who consider Christmas an opportunity to out-show and out-gift others. I think the spirit of Christmas is often lost and the relational component so far removed. People are truly beginning to believe that the only way to show love is by buying a gift and giving them on the right dates. I think love is when you show me how much you love, appreciate, are devoted, and attuned to me especially when I’m at my lowest. And they don’t make holidays for that.
To offer an interesting insight after this article was posted, I’ve been getting a lot of calls this week for therapy. In fact, even when people are calling about their anger or substance abuse issues, I know that they’re really concerned about their relationship, because that seems to be the theme of the week. I’m calling it the “Post-Valentine’s Day Blues.” :/
I do see a lot of value in holidays and rituals, such as Valentine’s Day or Christmas, because they remind us of what’s important in life. Sadly, if we did not have Valentine’s Day, then some couples might never have a good reason to try to show affection and love for their partner! However, I do agree that there seems to be a lot of pressure on couples to achieve some idealized romantic fantasy, *and* it’s going to be very difficult if people aren’t loving and romancing each other every day, as this article points out!