Equal Couples

If you’re interested in how some couples actually pull off shared parenting, start the new year by reading the new book by Marc and Amy Vachon, “Equally Shared Parenting: Rewriting the Rules for a New Generation of Parents.”  Drawing on their own experience and interviews with other couples who successfully share parenting, Amy and Marc  provide a highly readable guide that makes a strong case for ESP: “Each partner has to do only half the work, owns only half the responsibility for running the family, and gets half the power in the relationship” (p. 24).  Then they show readers how to do it.

Their most important argument is not really about the benefit of dividing the work; it is about the connectedness they feel to each aspect of their life, to each other, and to their children.  While this is very important to mothers, it is also a real advantage to fathers.  They get to develop intimate relationships with their children and take a full role, rather than an apprentice role in the home.  And work–even if you love it–doesn’t wipe out everything else in life.

According to the Vachons, equally shared parenting begins with commitment, with consciousness about what you want.  It involves an assessment of your values.  What do you really want to do with your life and your time?  It means that partners share relationship responsibility, child care, and housework, but also have time for themselves and engage meaningfully outside the home as well.  The actual solutions in terms of choices and schedule are as varied as the couples themselves. 

The book gives example after example of how creative couples avoid falling back into old gender patterns.  It is also clear that equally shared parenting won’t just happen.  It takes  intentionality, planning, and letting go of old gender messages that can catch us off-guard.  But the stories and practical suggestions they present give reason for optimism. In the end, it is about two willing partners who respect the sharing.  Some planned before children were born; others did a makeover years into the parenting process.  Most couples run into hurdles from time to time.  But the benefits and joy that the efforts bring are compelling.

Without models to draw on, today’s couples have trouble putting their egalitarian ideals in practice.  Thank you Amy and Marc, for helping to show the way. 

We’d love to hear from you.  What has helped you share parenting? What hurdles have you overcome–or need to overcome?  

posted by Carmen Knudson-Martin