Equal Couples

Carmen Knudson-Martin, Ph.D., LMFT. Professor and Director of the Ph.D. program in Marital and Family Therapy, Department of Counseling and Family Sciences. Loma Linda University, Loma Linda, CA. cknudsonmartin@llu.edu.

PROFESSIONAL. I’m a couple, relationship, and family therapist with special interests in how gender and other societal influences affect personal well-being and relationship success.  I love my work! The opportunity to engage with people as they grapple with some of life’s hardest issues is an honor.  The lessons and inspiration for the work that I do to promote equal relationships come primarily from what I have learned from the many women and men that I have worked with over the years.

My interest in gender grew as I began to observe a pattern. Women and men would come to see me to make their relationships better. But over and over again, what seemed to happen is that in order to maintain the relationship, women ended up accepting less emotional connection and support from their partners than they wanted. This seemed both unfair and limiting.  I needed to know more.

Since I am also a teacher and a researcher, my students and I began to conduct interviews with couples who were not in therapy. We wanted to learn from their experiences trying to juggle all the demands of day-to-day life.  We were especially interested in how couples managed potential conflicts between gender equality and relationship stability.

We learned that equality and stability are actually not in conflict. They support each other! This is big news.  I am currently working with Doug Hunergardt (a colleague at Loma Linda University) and a group of doctoral students to develop a therapy model that helps people  build connection by overcoming gender stereotypes that limit relationship satisfaction for both women and men.

I have also been working with Anne for many years.  From the moment we met, we began to stimulate and challenge each other to make our thoughts more clear and to do quality research that can help provide answers to the questions today’s couples face.  Our first research study found that couples said they had equal relationships, but then described relationship patterns that gave men more power.  Our work since then has focused on how couples overcome this discrepancy.

Because I work with diverse clientele and students, I am also becoming ever more interested in understanding gender and power processes across cultural contexts. This is exciting research. It shows that cultures evolve and change and that within any one culture, there are couples who mutually support each other and those who don’t. There is more flexibility than we sometimes think.

PERSONAL. My husband John and I were friends long before we fell in love.  When we married, we wanted the same name. So both of us became Knudson-Martin. (I was Knudson; he was Martin). The legal processes involved in this reflects how gender inequality is structured into society.  It was almost automatic for me. All I had to do was bring a copy of the marriage license and my name was legally changed. But John had to hire an attorney.

Our son and daughter are adults now and we have two little grandsons who live just around the corner.  In many ways this is an easier life phase.  There is more time for each person to follow their interests and goals.

John recently went back to school and completed his Ph.D. in math education.  Because positions are so specialized, they are hard to find.  So, we live in Portland, Oregon. During the week he drives  to Eastern Oregon University to his new job there. And I fly down to Southern California and my job at Loma Linda. Our weekends together in Portland are thus very special. We connect with each other and with our children and grandchildren.

Oregon is beautiful and we take every opportunity to enjoy the outdoors.  This is easy, because we live on a lake and can kayak from our backyard. We also like to eat good food, travel, and spend time with friends. And we spoil our dog and cat.   I fantasize about taking art classes.

The  book. Working with Anne and all the other contributors to our book, Couples, Gender, and Power: Creating Change in Intimate Relationships, was a wonderful experience.  At the time it was the culmination of my career. But it has also been the platform for new projects. This blog is one step. We are excited, and more than a little curious, to see what comes next.